Now listen up, and listen well. There’s a new sheriff in town, and you’re lookin’ at him. Now for too long, the town of Toscana has been without law. That ends today. In time, some might say those days ended when I put this badge on, while others might say it was after I finished this speech I’m giving right now. Turns out they’re both wrong: it ended right now, at the end of this sentence.

With myself assuming the post of sheriff, the townsfolk of this simple town can expect some changes. No longer do the noble denizens of Toscana need to walk the streets in fear. With myself as sheriff they can walk in peace. Or they can walk in silence, or sadness, or hunger. Or fear if they really want. But now it’s by their own choice.

I’ve heard tell that some of you might think it strange to have the town newspaper man as your new sheriff. Well, I’ll have you know I’m qualified because I looked death in the face when I had that fever last January through March. All that bedrest gave time to plot what it is I would do to clean up this town. I also constantly taste metal, but that affliction is beside the point.

Now, I must begin with a declaration regarding duels. I recognize that pistols at dawn have long been the traditional method of problem solving for quite some time, but I am hereby putting an end to this.

If you have a grievance with a neighbor you must now challenge him to pistols at mid-afternoon. The reasons are clear: it is inconvenient to have to wake up at dawn when challenged, and I for one am sick and tired of waking up to the sound of gun battles outside.

I am also sick of people getting thrown out of saloons into mud puddles or pig troughs. If you must eject someone from an establishment, aim for something dry, or the fattest person you see.

We also need to stop tarring and feathering as a mob. It is cruel, painful and humiliating. Plus it punishes not only the victim, but it also ruins the clothes of many of the people in the mob. Tar does not wash out, friends. Plus, somebody told me that the goal is to make the subject look like a giant chicken and if that’s the case, I just don’t see it. I mean, I guess I do, but I think we can do better.

I think we should get rid of our player pianos. They make our saloons sound old-fashioned and remind people of ghosts.

Some might say that music legislation is outside my jurisdiction. Well, to these people I say “do you have some sort of book on what is in a sheriff’s jurisdiction?” And if they say yes, I say “could I borrow it?”

I see some of you looking nervously at one another out of support for what I’m saying, and I thank y’all kindly for that.

The outpost of Toscana is no longer a safe-haven for horse thieves and robbers. It is now simply a place for good men and women to live their lives and for horse thieves and robbers to pass through and possibly patronize one of our fine inns. I thank you all for your time and I’d like to apologize one last time for shooting Doctor McCaffery, but I really don’t want to get into that again.