If you’re wondering why there’s been a slight hiatus in my posts, it’s not because I’ve been enjoying my summer. It’s because I’ve been staring at a video game box.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to present to you the most boring video game that I can’t play. How do I know it’s so boring if I can’t play it? Well, my friend, shut up for a second and look at the cover.

Click the link to see more pictures from the box and read things I wrote about those pictures.

Not quite a football game, not quite The Sims, EA Sports’ NFL Head Coach is the only game that gives you all the glamor of being the most respected man of any football team: the head coach. Who wants to control the guys who run the plays when you can control the guys who tell those guys what to do? Everybody! That’s who?

Let’s take a look at some of the exciting action from actual gameplay from the actual back of the box:

Balding.
Pudgy.
Wearing a headset.

This is your character in Head Coach. Point at the field! Encourage your players! Hold “x” to cover your mouth with a clipboard when speaking into the headset.

“Set the tone during practice!”

Do you want your practice to have a happy tone? A scholarly tone? You can do that! How so? By standing on the field behind your players in a sweater and brown slacks!

And you’re still fat!

And clearly, this is just fantastic.

You get to play as a person at a table, watching a game on a screen, defending your decisions as a coach to other coaches, shareholders, and in the final level, the team owner! Make sure your presentation is backed up on a flash drive or your character will forget three key plays during your team’s next game!

But out of all this, there’s one tiny piece of this box that I love more than anything else:

Not “featuring ESPN clips” or “featuring ESPN commentary” or “personalities,” or “insights.” No. “Featuring the concept of ESPN.”

Somebody get me an original Xbox. I need to finally find out what it would be like to be an overweight, balding man with a clipboard and headset who blew out his knee playing college ball and relives his glory days by shouting at men twenty years younger than myself while setting an ‘angry tone’ at practice.