Before I begin, this website will not have an April Fool’s prank. Also, me saying that there will be no prank is not a prank. And now I will continue with what I had planned on doing: speaking to a set of encyclopedia from the sixties as if it were a human being.

Look, Wonderland of Knowledge. I like birds. I have no trouble with birds at all. THEY’RE JUST FINE.

I am, however… concerned. Your love of birds fills me with consternation. Here is the photograph that accompanies your entry on “cockatoos.”

Picture of a bird. As of right now, I have absolutely no issue with your coverage of cockatoos. Let’s move forward to this photo’s caption:

“THE PARROT’S NOISY HAUGHTY COUSIN - A COCKATOO”

“With his proud crest and pure-white plumage, the cockatoo is handsome indeed. He is not afraid of human beings, can be tamed easily, and can learn to speak a few words.”

“Haughty?” Here’s what I’ve learned from this “encyclopedia.” If you were to cast an all-bird version of The Importance of Being Earnest, you would need a cockatoo to play Lady Bracknell.

This is all I’ve learned about the cockatoo.