The following post was originally written as a writing submission for the humor blog for a popular cable television show. After submitting this work the parent company subsequently initiated a hiring freeze and let go of many of their staffers.

Basically, that’s why it’s so dated and pop-culture-y. I still think it’s funny though. Look for an upcoming post about Bride Wars, just in time for its release on DVD, too!

As the economy forces more and more corporations to tighten their belts, the porn industry is now asking Congress for a $5 billion dollar bailout (I could’ve said “stimulus package,” but I’m planning on using this post as an email to my mom later). So who is Big Porn sending to Washington to plead their case? Why, none other than Larry Flynt (Hustler, that movie about him) and Joe Francis (Girls Gone Wild, the second circle of hell (upcoming))!

In honor of this, the grossest team-up in history, we present to you three team-ups that were almost as horrifying.

3. Tyra Banks and Ashton Kutcher

Tyra and Ashton have recently teamed up for their reality show “True Beauty” which premiered this week. They make the list not because the show is as horrible as you’d expect an “Ashra” invention to be, nor because they’ve missed the irony in having two of the most self-centered, appearance-based celebrities create a show that rewards inner beauty, nor because I want the name “Ashra” that I just created to catch on.

They make the list because their press release forced me to imagine the television shows “America’s Next Top Model” and “Punk’d” having a baby.

2. Archie and The Punisher

I don’t know where to begin. First of all, Archie and Frank Castle, better known as The Punisher, are from two completely different universes and their appearance together, let alone their interaction with one another throws into question more than sixty years of tightly isolated and expertly maintained continuity that Marvel and Archie Comics have worked to uphold throughout all of their titles.

I honestly don’t understand why this country wasn’t more outraged. Not because it happened but because we allowed it to happen.

1. Kraft Macaroni & Cheese and Crackers

Seriously people. This is 2009. We have an African-American president. If these two had teamed up in 1999 that’d be one thing but we are way past this. Seriously.