The the Lord sent fire and flaming smoke raining down from heaven on Sodom and Gomorrah. And he sent destruction on those towns, with all the lowland and all the people of those towns and every green thing in the land. But Lot’s wife, looking back, became a pillar of salt. - Genesis 19:23-26

The Toast at Lot and His Wife’s Fiftieth Anniversary Celebration

“Well, mom and dad. You’ve been through a lot. Together you’ve raised three children, including myself, you’ve demonstrated yourselves as being very devout in your faith, and one of you has been turned into a pillar of salt as punishment for looking at the home town that God was in the process of destroying. I have to assume that it hasn’t always been the easiest relationship to be in, but you two have made it work, and we are all here to celebrate it tonight.

“Dad, I still remember my first day of school. You told me how I was embarking on an important journey of lifelong learning, and that it was the gaining of knowledge that made the wisest of kings. I’ve never forgotten those words and I’ve tried to live up to them every day.

“Mom, I still remember how we would use you to prepare and cure our meats. There was nothing better than coming home and biting into an expertly cooked steak, knowing that it had been seasoned with your love. As well as the salt pillar that your body had been transformed into. Unfortunately I am unable to remember any memories prior to your reconstruction into pure mineral.

“I may never truly understand why God has chosen to turn my mother into a pillar of salt, and I doubt anyone ever will, but I do understand why He has brought these two people together: to inspire us. If my mother and father can somehow find a way to make this relationship work, then what’s to stop us from finding happiness? I’m really just impressed that she hasn’t accidentally been toppled and destroyed, quite honestly.

“And so, I raise my glass to honor your fifty years together, mom and dad. I’d also like to take this opportunity to formally renounce God. I will admit this may not be the proper venue, but, I mean, seriously. My mom is made of salt.

“Just- It’s just ridiculous.”