Dear General Mills Corporation,

For months now I’ve been silent, but I can not allow this to continue. I have enjoyed Cinnamon Toast Crunch for several years now, but something has changed. Maybe you thought we wouldn’t notice. Maybe you thought we would just continue shoving our mouths full of sugar and cinnamon swirls.

I noticed, General Mills.

I’m looking at a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch on my desk right now. I see the colorful logo, the photograph of the bowl, the pieces of cereal (enlarged to show texture) and a smiling baker, proud of his accomplishments. From your commercials I’ve seen running recently I know his name to be Wendell. Nothing out of the ordinary. So far so good, right? Wrong.

Where the hell are the other two bakers, General Mills?

Not two months ago there were two other bakers on the front of that cereal box. You didn’t deem them important enough to give names, but I did: Skinny Baker and Other Fat Baker. With the help of Wendell, they are the ones responsible for the part of a balanced breakfast that I would enjoy whenever your product was on sale.

So what happened? Did Wendell take matters into his own hands leaving you to clean things up lest they spill into the public eye? Or did his personal problems become a bit too public (We all know. We’ve always known.)?

Maybe my mind is playing tricks on me, right? Maybe I just dreamed that Skinny Baker and Other Fat Baker existed? Then why are on the lenticular wallet that you gave me, General Mills? Every time I buy the new issue of Fantastic Four the three of them are there, smiling at me. And then, when I move the wallet slightly, the phrase “Save Your Dough” appears and they disappear.

How oddly prescient.

You have two weeks to respond to this letter before I take this to the press. I hope that you either do the right thing or buy my silence with a lifetime supply of Cap’n Crunch.

May God have mercy on your souls,
Ramsey Ess, Age 7