With snow falling (or falling soon. I don’t really know. I wrote this in advance.), the importance of safety in your automobile is key. In the interest of helping our nation’s drivers as they trek through inclement weather, I have created this guide to safely navigating your way through the frozen hell that is winter.

So that you’ll remember these safety tips, print ‘em out and tape them to the inside of your windshield!

• It’s all about attitude. If you go into your car wearing shorts and a lei, you’ll drive like you’re wearing shorts and a lei.
• Anti-freeze probably does something.
• Be prepared in case of an emergency. Any emergency. For example, polar bear attack or someone about to give birth in a snowbank. If for no other reason, you’ll really impress whoever you’re driving to the bowling alley.
• Contrary to popular belief, snow tires are not made of snow. Use them.
• It’s important to have plenty of washer fluid, but why not be creative? If your windshield squirters shot piping hot chocolate onto your windshield, don’t you think you’d drive a little better? Now, what if they shot it directly into your mouth. Get on it, Automobile Industry.
• The faster you drive, the faster you’ll be out of the snow.
• If your car gets stuck and there seems to be no hope for immediate rescue, wait at least two hours before cutting open the underside of the car and using it’s intestines to keep warm.
• Occasionally, cars will crash. For this reason, do not transport any Christmas presents for me in a car.
• If you start to go into a skid, take your hands off the wheel and your feet off the pedals and put yourself in the Lord’s hands.