The following is the full-text of Ramsey Ess’ concession speech in his historic run for governor, issued to the press this morning:

On Sunday morning, outside my local grocery store, I stood on the sidelines in the crisp autumn weather and watched the New York City Marathon pass by. As these hundreds of comitted men and women made their way past the halfway point I was struck by the fact that at this point I was looking at neither winners nor losers; simply runners.

I stand before you in much the same light. My campaign has had a good run, but in the end, we are simply too much like the French guy with the Statue of Liberty crown on, or that lady I saw who was dressed as Santa: trying, but not trying hard enough.

But unlike those guys, I don’t look like a huge jerk as I fail. I look graceful and handsome.

To all my supporters I’d like to say “thank you,” and also “there will be no Wonderland of Knowledge Wednesday this week. Check back next Wednesday.” I’d like to say that  you’ve done so much for me over the last two weeks, but the fact of the matter is that I really can’t. If I’m being truthful, none of you voted for me, even though I asked you repeatedly to do so, and when I was at my local Barnes and Noble, I still saw three copies of the hilarious three-disc unrated Forgetting Sarah Marshall DVD. If I’m doing my job, it should not be in stock anywhere.

I do not have anything additional to say to my family, so please refer to my above statement.

I am not entirely blameless in this catastrophic defeat. For example, apparently you have to fill out some paperwork in order to run for office. I thought I just had to make a big speech and tell people to vote for me. That’s all I did. When I got to my polling place and saw that I wasn’t on the ballot, I nearly flipped over a table, badly inuring a senior citizen who was volunteering her time. Instead of doing that, I punched her. Hard. In the face.

My second mistake came about through research. Specifically, a lack of it. Apparently, there was no gubernatorial race this election cycle. I was running for a position that was not mine to fill. I’m not going to lie to you people: it kind of sucks that no one told me this a little earlier. Could have saved me a lot of time and effort.

But, whatever doesn’t kill me can only make me stronger, and I feel a little bit like The Hulk. I’m going to try this again next year and if you want to be there, I wouldn’t mind. Thank you if you voted for me. And if you tried to vote for me and the old woman there just kind of laughed at you, don’t worry: I got her good.