Dear Slim,

Hey. So, this has been a long time coming, but my name’s Stan and you wrote this song about me. You probably remember it. You made all those letters I wrote to you rhyme? Oh! And you accused me of murder.

Now, that’s not to say I’m not flattered. I wrote those back in 1999, at the peak of your career, and as far as I know, I’m the only person whose letters you turned into a hit song that Pitchfork called a “cultural milestone.” I have to say that it’s really cool to hear my words woven into a rhyme scheme and a hit song by my hero. I just think it would’ve been better for me if you hadn’t put that part in where I murder my girlfriend who is carrying my child.

I understand that without that part of the song it kind of peters out. It would just be some letters from a fan who is a little obsessive (I’m my own worst critic, I know…) and then a reply where you offer to send my little brother an autograph. BO-RING. I get it.

However: I personally think it would’ve been a lot better if my girlfriend and unborn child had lived at the end of the song. In general, friends and family might stick with a person after being charged with murder once, but when that accusation on the Top 40 at least once an hour, it’s hard to be associated with that person any longer.

“But, Stan,” you might say. “I never gave out your last name.” True, Marshall. But let’s look at the song. You mention my love of your music, my wall with your “posters and pictures,” my pregnant girlfriend and future daughter named Bonnie, my father’s infidelity, the tattoo of your name across my chest, and my intense love of Dido. That’s…that’s pretty specific.

So when you include so many details from my life, making your song about 98% accurate, that last part you made up about me killing my girlfriend? Yeah, guess who isn’t going to believe that it was made up? I can’t hear your answer to my rhetorical question, because, as I’ve made clear in the past, you’ve refused to contact me despite my leaving my cell and pager numbers in my letters (NOTE: I no longer have the pager.), but if you said “the mother of my daughter Bonnie” you would be correct. I am told that my daughter, now five, is doing great, but due to the restraining order that has been issued against me, I can’t check on this. What evidence did she have that I was planning on killing her? Oh! It was a song that you wrote from an album that was number one for 8 weeks on the Billboard charts in 2000. Thank you for that.

So look. I think it would be really great if you wrote a new song to help me out. I’m not a rapper (just a fan!), but I’m thinking something with a title like “Stan Didn’t Kill His Girlfriend, Daughter” or “Carol Should Take Stan Back Because I, Eminem, Made That Murder Thing Up” would be awesome. Something along those lines. It’s really not a lot to ask, considering how intensely you destroyed my life. It could even be a b-side.

If you still want to talk, I have included my cell and home phone at the bottom.

Your biggest fan,
This is Stan

P.S. We should be together too. J/K!

(Really, though. If we had been together, I probably wouldn’t have been accused of murder and lost access to the love of my life and daughter.)