Riding the subway on my way home this evening I witnessed the worst conversation ever. A man walked down the length of the car shaking a cup full of change, asking for money. On his way down the aisle he was stopped by the worst couple in the world.

Both dressed as if they had just been jogging, the woman looked like an amalgam of the entire Ukranian gymnastic team with an inexplicable British accent and the man looked like a cross between John Malkovich, Frankenstein and a bag of hair from closing time at Supercuts. 

Here’s how it went:

Jerk Man: No, I don’t have any money. What happened to your arm? I love those stories.
Handless Guy: It’s just my hand.
Jerk Man: Oh, what happened to your hand?
Handless Guy: I was in a car accident.
Cretin Woman: What kind of accident?
Handless Guy: A car accident.
Jerk Man: Can you still feel your hand?
Handless Guy: (now starting to walk away) Just tryin’ to maintain, my man.
Jerk Man: In your dreams do you still have a right hand?
Handless Guy: (almost off the car, unable to believe how huge a jackass this guy is) Just tryin’ to maintain.

Later on the ride, the handless guy came back on the train:

Handless Guy: Ladies and gentlemen: donations? Dona-

He then made eye contact with the couple, walked the length of the car, and moved on.

I hope that tonight he dreams of punching this couple in the face with a Hulk-sized right hand.