With snow falling (or falling soon. I don’t really know. I wrote this in advance.), the importance of safety in your automobile is key. In the interest of helping our nation’s drivers as they trek through inclement weather, I have created this guide to safely navigating your way through the frozen hell that is winter.

So that you’ll remember these safety tips, print ‘em out and tape them to the inside of your windshield!

• It’s all about attitude. If you go into your car wearing shorts and a lei, you’ll drive like you’re wearing shorts and a lei.
• Anti-freeze probably does something.
• Be prepared in case of an emergency. Any emergency. For example, polar bear attack or someone about to give birth in a snowbank. If for no other reason, you’ll really impress whoever you’re driving to the bowling alley.
• Contrary to popular belief, snow tires are not made of snow. Use them.
• It’s important to have plenty of washer fluid, but why not be creative? If your windshield squirters shot piping hot chocolate onto your windshield, don’t you think you’d drive a little better? Now, what if they shot it directly into your mouth. Get on it, Automobile Industry.
• The faster you drive, the faster you’ll be out of the snow.
• If your car gets stuck and there seems to be no hope for immediate rescue, wait at least two hours before cutting open the underside of the car and using it’s intestines to keep warm.
• Occasionally, cars will crash. For this reason, do not transport any Christmas presents for me in a car.
• If you start to go into a skid, take your hands off the wheel and your feet of the pedals and put yourself in the Lord’s hands.

One interesting thing that The Wonderland of Knowledge has peppered throughout that I wasn’t expecting is the occasional fun game that you can play, or an illustrative model of some scientific principal that you can build.

For it’s entry on “cranes,” Volume Four of The Wonderland of Knowledge teaches you:

So, Wonderland, it’s a rainy Saturday afternoon, and mom and dad are too busy to play a round of Monopoly. How do you build a model crane?

Oh. I see.

So, you’re saying it’s impossible to build a model crane.

Around this time each month I would post the newest Famous Hamsters in History that I have drawn (as brought to you by State Farms Insurance), but this week I have something a little different.

This week, I’m bringing you a public service announcement that concerns hamsters, their personal lives and you. Please watch, and more importantly, please learn.

Click play and then click it again to see it larger.

“I love you both so much, and you have earned the new puppy that’s coming with us to the White House.” - Obama to his daughters Sasha and Malia on November 4th, 2008.

Now, I recognize I’m a little late on this, but that’s because I was expecting the liberal media to run with this. How do you think the nation will react now that president-elect Obama has confessed to being in the pocket of Big Puppy?

As the old saying goes “Rome wasn’t built in a day.” And even though “they” didn’t say how many people it took to build Rome, it’s safe to say that they would’ve said “more than one person.” That’s because the ancient Romans knew how to cooperate, or, as The Wonderland of Knowledge calls it, “co-operation (ko op ur a shun).”

Let’s take a look at what images they choose to illustrate this lovely concept, shall we?

Suresure. Basketball requires that all parties work together for the greater good. “Don’t be a ball hog,” and all that. (This expends all of my basketball knowledge.) It is, of course, interesting that here we see a rare photograph from a game against the Manhattan Basketballers and their bitter rivals, the Red-Shirted White Guys.

…and, it’s a little odd that the photograph is courtesy “the Aluminum Corp. of America,” but, no. No. I’m nitpicking. This is a good example of co-operation. Nice job Wonderland- oh! You have more for the children of 1968. Absolutely, let’s see it.

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So clearly, we’re talking about the part of New York that is on The Planet of the Apes.

This is the least amount of original content I’ve ever posted, but I just want to make sure that anyone who does not live in the tri-state area sees this:

Why this is important: In looking for this commercial online, there were no less than four videos of babies being hypnotized by it. There is something sinister at work here.

The following is the full-text of Ramsey Ess’ concession speech in his historic run for governor, issued to the press this morning:

On Sunday morning, outside my local grocery store, I stood on the sidelines in the crisp autumn weather and watched the New York City Marathon pass by. As these hundreds of comitted men and women made their way past the halfway point I was struck by the fact that at this point I was looking at neither winners nor losers; simply runners.

I stand before you in much the same light. My campaign has had a good run, but in the end, we are simply too much like the French guy with the Statue of Liberty crown on, or that lady I saw who was dressed as Santa: trying, but not trying hard enough.

But unlike those guys, I don’t look like a huge jerk as I fail. I look graceful and handsome.

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11:44 PM - Decided to sleep in today. I gave the folks over at headquarters the day off today. They insisted that we needed to do some calling to get people to the polls, but I told them to reread my post from yesterday and shut up.

My speech writer called me at about ten this morning telling me that we needed to get moving on an outline for a concession speech. I already have a great acceptance speech planned which you’ll get to hear in a few hours (here’s a teaser: fireworks), and I’ve been telling this guy over and over again that he’ll have to start looking for a new job if he mentions the “c-word” one more time (meaning “concession” in this case. I can understand how that might be confusing, otherwise.).

So, after I fired that dude, I got up, made myself a breakfast burrito, looked at NY Times.com, watched one of the hilarious bonus features on the unrated edition of the Forgetting Sarah Marshall DVD and decided to update the LiveBlog I promised you.

I’ll be updating this periodically, so be sure to check back. And I’ll be seeing all of you in your homes, on your TVs, at around 9 o’clock when the polls close. Until then…

If you’re anything like me, your email inbox has been flooded with requests for you to get out the vote for whichever candidate and your voicemail is filled to the brim with robot phone machines commanding you to pass whatever proposition… Well, I’m not here to do that.

Tomorrow is Election Day. And I’m going to be absolutely fine. You, and the other supporters like you, have carried me on your shoulders proudly since I announced my candidacy exactly two months ago. Now it’s time for me to carry you.

Don’t vote. Seriously, it’s fine. I’m going to vote for me, and I know that enough of America will also vote for me for governor. You sit back on Tuesday. You’ve done enough. Do something you wouldn’t ordinarily have time to do. Read a book. Call a friend. Rent the unrated edition of Forgetting Sarah Marshall, proud sponsor of this campaign. You know why? You deserve it.

If you want to go vote for president and you want to pull the lever for this guy too, thank you very much. If you don’t want to do that. Eh. That’s cool too.

So, in summary, thank you for your support. If you aren’t watching the unrated edition of Forgetting Sarah Marshall, available on DVD and BluRay, stop by tomorrow when I’ll be Liveblogging from my campaign headquarters all election night. 

Now, one day early, let’s put our feet up and relax. We all deserve it.